For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been finding my mental health a bit hard to handle. I can’t explain why, but I am what I can only describe as stuck.

I’m stuck in a deep dark feeling that I have zero control over, for reasons I can’t explain (not because I don’t want to, but just because I genuinely don’t know why) I have no ability to be very happy about anything.

The exclusion here was Avengers Endgame. Apart from being overly excited on the build up to seeing that and feeling bittersweet about the film, I have had zero excitement about things.

No one would know because I’m constantly having a smile on my face and acting all hyper and like life’s a breeze etc but inside I just feel this emptiness.

My best friend gets married in less than 2 months, I’ve had a wedding card made ready, I’m a bridesmaid, I have my dress and it is one of the most exciting events to be a part of, but as happy as I am for her, I just feel so empty. There’s so many group chat conversations about how this build up is so exciting and she’s counting down the days, but for some reason I just can’t feel anything. I’m happy about them being excited, but it’s like I have a blockage. Like something inside of me has shut off. I can’t break through the barriers and experience positive emotions.

This isn’t a new experience for me, I go through phases with this, because of also suffering from ADHD, anxiety and hypothyroidism my mind is always exhausting itself with all of that shit going on, so thankfully the low moods become rare, but my god when I get them are they extreme.

I get bored easily. Of everything. I’m the sort of person who can binge watch a show or get really engrossed in a book series but then for no reason just phase out from it and go off it and ‘not be bothered’, not even down to writers or actors changing anything, it’s just the way I am, I’ve had it in relationships and dating too, I’ll feel like I like someone and then a few days later just feel nothing.

These sorts of feelings and emotions always concern me a great deal because it makes me worried deep down that I’ll never truly be happy. I seem to be tired all the time at the moment as well, even when I’m getting plenty of sleep. So it’s clear that my minds downer mood is having a negative affect on my body.

I can’t talk to anyone about it because it’s hard to explain and also, everyone else seems to be having their own stuff going on and I don’t think what I tell my best friends would be taken very well. So I figured I would write it all here in a blog. Where it’s easy to filter my feelings out.

So what am I doing about it? I don’t honest know. I have a couple of new self help books to get my teeth into, I currently have a book called ‘Wherever you go, there you are’ which is about mindfulness and meditation, I keep getting these things recommended to me so I’m going to give it a try (see if my adhd mind will actually let me focus enough to meditate for 20 seconds here and there!) we’ll see how it goes.

Hopefully my next blog post will be a bit more fun and intriguing. I am considering writing a post about my thoughts on Avengers Endgame as well at some point but, I’m going to give it a while so people have the chance to see it before spoilers are discussed.

Keep smiling xx