It’s been a couple of weeks now since I started up “it’s probably definitely maybe me” (I will explain the title at some point in the future) and I would be lying if I said blogging was easy. It’s actually a lot harder than I thought.
Yes, I’ll admit I was one of those girls that thought the whole I just want to express some feelings on a blog page, I’m not bothered about who see’s it type people to start off with, but truth be told, I did start caring. As soon as you start entering the blog world you do fall in to the whole routine of wanting feedback, checking stats etc. I don’t regret any of it. I have had good days and bad days with the blog to be honest, some days I question my motivation to keep it going and others I don’t even know how I’m going to fit all my thoughts into one blog post. It’s a very up and down world.
But as you’re aware, right now and for the foreseeable future, I am writing a blog anonymously, the e-mail I use for this account, my twitter and the blog itself never reveals my name or any details that may lead to knowing my identity. Any pictures I take that contain me will not reveal my full face for the same reason.
But why anonymously?
That’s a hard one to explain, but to put it in small detail, my social anxiety is seriously bad. If you ever did know me physically as a person you would find this hard to believe. I always come across very bubbly and bouncy (it’s getting me to shut up that’s the problem) but inside, I’m having mini panic attacks every time I am in any social scenario.
As I’ve stated in previous posts, I suffer from ADHD as well as anxiety, so it goes in a little circle, some days I will be hyper around new people and the next, I’m anxious about all the silly hyper things I said and did. I am also, not a very girly girl most of the time, I like wearing jackets from Topman, I only got the hang of how to apply make up correctly in the past few years, but anyway all that aside, for some reason – I don’t seem to be a girls favourite girl. I am one of those girls who other girls can find quite odd. I get evil looks from girls on the daily, hey I get funny looks from guys on the daily too. And this triggers a lot of my anxieties and makes me uncomfortable.
Through things that aren’t my fault, or in some cases are, I have a few judgmental haters (people can really hold grudges – I still get grief from a girl who decided I was a shit friend 13 years ago because I’d told her that her ex was seeing someone else, apparently the way I said it wasn’t empathetic enough and she’s hated me ever since, so in some ways things I’ve done have got me haters and in other ways it’s just people falling out with me easily who weren’t really my friends to begin with) and I always find social media an anxious place. I worry that if people find out it’s me they will give me negative shit.
I realise that a lot of this is all in my head probably, but either way it sits there and stews daily. I am also not very confident about how I look and it worries me that if people saw me they’d go off my blog instantly.
I knew that I needed to write more, I’ve always loved writing. I’m still trying to get my motivation on to write stories again – my brain constantly has ideas but I never quite get round to writing them down. And I also really wanted to blog for such a long time. I just never got the motivation. So, when I took the plunge and got a blog together I made the decision to do this anonymous and not reveal my identity. Whether I change my mind a while down the line or not, we’ll see. But for now, this is what makes me comfortable.
But what I’ve learnt through doing this recently is that there is some pro’s and con’s to blogging with ‘no identity’.
Not revealing my identity has given me a real big window. I can write about things I do not have the confidence to write about as myself. What I mean by this is, in day to day life I am an honest and blunt person. But there are certain things I go through that I genuinely don’t think I would have the courage to write about if my blog wasn’t anon.
My blog has become a field for me to write about things I go through without worrying about people who know me judging me for it. From the big things to the little things; for example in my blog I can write honestly and freely about how I have intimacy issues due to PTSD from a horrible experience in my teens that led me to developing the condition Vaginismus. Could I write that where all my friends see and know it’s me? No. Because there’s so much judgment. I can write on here about my struggles with IBS, I don’t want people turning round to me at the pub saying ‘oh I didn’t realise that the reason you were gone from the gig for ten minutes was because your IBS played up and you had to spend time in the cubicle’.
There shouldn’t be so much taboo and judgement about different health issues or things that people go through, but we live in a world where it’s still a thing, and we have to cope with the anxiety that we develop along with it. Anonymous blogging is a window to saying everything you wanna say without the fear of people you know giving you negative judgement.
One thing i have learnt from doing this anonymously is, it can be slightly harder to connect with people in the blog community when they don’t know who you are. People get very cautious around connecting with people who aren’t showing their full face or personal details, and that’s fine, I get it. The internet is an amazing tool that we are lucky to have the pleasure of using daily, and it gives us the opportunity to make so many friends on-screen. But, it is also a dangerous place, sometimes. And you do get a lot of dangers. So I totally understand the wariness some people experience with an anonymous blogger. Is she really who she says she is? Is it actually a catfish? And also, social media and even the blogging world is a lot like secondary/high school at times too, there’s still – just like on every platform (this isn’t just about bloggers, this is life in general) a lot of popularity contests and sadly, this will always be the way everywhere you go, I’ve seen a lot of beautiful girls sharing their beauty blogs and the amount of attention they get is unreal.
So sometimes, your anxiety and lack of self-esteem can play a factor in blogging too and you will sit there and think people can’t see who I am and they know I’m not pretty enough which let’s be honest, it’s silly, that’s not what blogging is about. It shouldn’t matter how popular or pretty other bloggers are, we’re all in this together. But I’d be lying if I said from time to time I do sometimes get bummed about how unpopular I am both online and offline. But again, some of this is overdramatised in my head.
One thing I will say though, without a shadow of a doubt is that I’ve never been more comfortable in any community then I have been with the blogging community. There is so much support out there for each other, I love going through my Twitter feed every day and seeing how great everyone is to each other, it’s so rare to find in this day and age.
You bloggers are all incredible people, keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t beat yourself up if your blog doesn’t seem to be as big and popular as someone else’s, one thing I’ve learnt is, as important as stats are, sometimes you need to acknowledge the fact that if you are just reaching out to one person who related to your post that much to like it and comment on it, then you’re already succeeding. 😉