Long time no post..

firstly, let me just apologise for not posting any blogs for over a month. My anxiety levels got quite bad and after a very extreme panic attack getting me sent home from work and a new found prescription of Sertraline, I am now trying to get myself back on the mend..

one thing that did happen in my life over the last month though, that I wanted to talk about, was another ‘almost dating’ situation with a guy. It was a friend of mine who I’d known a long time, we got on like a house on fire and he was newly single and there was a mutual attraction there. So we decided to take things slowly and ‘get to know each other’..

After a few weeks, things died down a bit, and whether it was my anxiety giving me deja vu paranoias, or he genuinely was off with me, but I had a feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right. So I did what my anxious self does, and told him that he seemed a bit off and that I think maybe it’s best if we don’t talk for a while until he gets his head together a bit more and knows what he wants.

He didn’t take it that well. He claimed he was busy with stuff and then got all defensive over how I made it ‘quite clear’ I didn’t wanna speak to him and if he didn’t wanna talk to me he wouldn’t and I shouldn’t be deciding how he feels or what he needs. Maybe he was just using excuses to brush me off, maybe I had upset him with what I said, but we haven’t spoken since.

Which is fine, I’ll get over it. If a guy doesn’t wanna talk to you there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to just crack on with life.

But as this all happened, I started to process how and what I was feeling, and also the extreme deja vu of how most guys I have met have all been in similar circumstances. We always date for a bit, talk all the time, have feelings, but never reach the actual proper dating stage or relationship level. Someone always goes cold or quiet (unfortunately in my circumstances it’s always the guy) and one thing I learnt is that the ‘almost dating’ situations with guys, are always the ones who hurt me the most.

But why?

When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have a full chance to develop all the up and down feelings, and when the break up occurs for whatever reason, most of the time, you have some sort of closure from it, there’s a conversation or an action that takes place that makes you understand why.

When you’re ‘almost dating’ someone, it’s never the same, there is also rarely any closure. Because when you’re not really with someone, you don’t have to owe them anything. You can stop texting or seeing them at any given point. But the problem with that is, when you are at that level with someone, your feelings have just started – so when it gets cut off quite early on, you still have those feelings sat there, they’re like, stuck. Trying to burst out and develop. You are then always at risk of seeing them again and the feelings just never quite left. You also end up angry at people and hating them because there was never proper closure – they were just the person who binned you off at the earliest opportunity.

They are the worst scenarios to find yourself in.

I find myself going through phases right now, one minute I am okay with not talking to him anymore and accepting the fact it’s never going to develop. The next I’m frequently checking my WhatsApp hoping his name is gonna pop up and he’s going to try again. But he won’t. They never do. And that’s just another learning curve in life.

The closure part

The sad thing about these situations is that you don’t always get closure and know why it went wrong, or what made it happen. But the thing is, there’s nothing we can do about it. The more we keep looking for closure, the more down we get that it just doesn’t exist in that situation. So the one thing I’ve learnt is, sometimes, we have to just accept that some things in life do not involve a form of closure with another person. We have to make closure for ourselves, even if all it is, is us accepting fate and saying “this wasn’t what I wanted, but it will all make sense one day” and moving on.

Try and avoid pining and hating as often as you can. Be happy with the idea that everything happens for a reason, sometimes we don’t know what the reasons are, but things WILL work out in the end, with or without the person you thought it would end with. There’s always something better waiting for you if you let the universe give you what you need at the right time.