Being dumped or being rejected in general, is shit.

There’s no sugar coating this, there is no such thing as a good break up or rejection situation. No matter how much we might play the ‘it was my idea’ or ‘it’s for the best’ all those other lines, we always feel a little bit shitty when the person we thought we’d be long-term with, didn’t quite work out that way.

I have had more than my fair share of rejection if I was to make a montage of my life, it would literally be guy after guy dumping me or rejecting me in numerous ways. It’s become a special untalented skill of mine. And I am definitely skilled in putting on the game face. (the game face is that face you put on in front of everyone where you pretend you are okay with that arsehole across the room who broke your heart in a million pieces, when really you are fighting the urge not to cry or punch them in the face).

Now, recently I had to go to a social event where my ex and his new love would also be in attendance. Quick back story; my ex was with me for several months a few years back, he broke it off one day while we were sitting watching a horror film by just simply going “I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore” of course I handled it gracefully, storming out of his house with all my bags in tears, but after a couple of months we gave each other our stuff back and I got the whole ‘I need time alone to be single’ etc etc. Anyway, within six months he was in a relationship with my friend, they’re still together now and they’re ecstatically happy. I got over the concept of my friend being with my ex fairly quickly, in small towns like mine you literally have slim pickings and everyone appears to date everyone so it was a high chance he’d get with someone I knew anyway. But the thing I was finding hard, was acknowledging them together. The idea of being anywhere where they were together made me sick with nerves.

But at this recent event, I managed to get closure, finally, from everything that happened. I managed to engage in regular conversation with them, and felt true happiness for them and no longer felt any resentment. And this is something that I’ve started trying to do with every situation where a guy dumps or rejects me (which is sadly, often). It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been doable, and I’ve done so by following some certain steps and guides I’ve made for myself for “overcoming a squashed heart”.

So here are the simple steps and guides I’ve gone through myself to help me get over these situations and also gain closure at the same time, please note- not all of these will work for everybody, different situations and break ups means different ways of coping. But if some of my ideas can help any one who suffers with constant negative emotions over break ups then I’m happy. Also, if anything, I just hope people have enjoyed reading them..

First things first, and important to remember: do not give yourself a time frame!! Every single one of us is unique and different, some of us can overcome bad feelings in a week, some of us can hold grudges for years. Do not compare yourself to your friend Ally who got over that dick Brian in 30 days.. that doesn’t mean you’ll be over all your emotions in 30 days. You do you. In your time.

Take other people’s advice, but don’t use it as gospel, if your mate tells you ‘I’ve read that people have to do this to get over someone properly’ then take it on board, but never feel forced to do anything you don’t want to do just to save face.

It is okay to admit you’re not over it. You will be in time, but the sooner you accept all of your feelings, the good and the bad, the easier it will eventually be. Don’t be embarrassed to admit to your best friend that it still hurts. You have to go with the truth, if anyone thinks it makes you look stupid then they’re not your friend.

Spend time with your single friends, or friends that can take time out from their partners to have some drinks with you or do an activity. Try to spend some time away from any scenario where you’ll be thinking about your ex too much.

Take up (if you don’t already) some form of exercising regularly – join a gym or take up yoga, working out actually really helps clear your mind.

Eventually, when the time feels right, write down your feelings but also, if you think you’re up to it, write down the advantages of your relationship not working out. I’m not saying you have to write down “he/she has ugly teeth” or even that you have to write anything terrible about that person, some break ups are healthy and not for negative reasons, but even if it’s little things like ‘I wouldn’t be able to go on this trip if they were still with me’ or ‘I can wear that top they hate’ or ‘I can now get my nose pierced coz he hated nose piercings’ (that is a genuine one I wrote once – and of course got the piercing), no matter how big or small the points of the list are, it’s kind of like a mantra, if you do this enough then you will eventually start believing those points as advantages and it will help with the healing process.

If it hurts you – block them even if it is on a temporary basis, sometimes you have to shut people out for a bit so you can heal. I blocked my ex on social media for a chunk of last year (mainly because my friends are his friends and they interact a lot so it kept popping in my news feed), and it really helped. Ignorance can be bliss for a while, especially if it was a situation where you are the dumped and not the dumper. It will hurt you more to see what they’re doing. Block it out for a bit.

(Also – I truly believe that we have the right to block anyone on social media at any time if they make us uncomfortable or give us bad vibes, we don’t have to explain ourselves on that)

Avoid (where possible) any social situations where you are likely to see them or have to engage with them when you’re not in the frame of mind to say anything to them.

If you can: and only when you’re ready: arrange a time to talk to the person. Now, in some scenarios I know this is not possible, and also some times bad things can happen. But if you can get to a level with your ex where you can sit and have a civil conversation just to clear the air and the tension (particularly if you hang in the same social circle) then this will also help you get one step closer to closure. If you can’t actually speak to them, maybe write down an email or letter (you don’t have to send it to them) expressing how you currently feel, if you are getting over them it might help you to write that down.

The above points there are just ideas and guidelines that I have found healthy and doable to give myself closure from these negative ex experiences. But here is one little point I would like to end this with, that I think is important to clarify and is also what I remind myself of regularly so that I don’t get too bummed:

Everything happens for a reason . Whether you believe in fate, or coincidence, things always work our one way or another for a reason, sometimes it isn’t clear to us what the reason actually is. But sometimes the reason is as simple as ‘they were what you needed at that point in your life, but now they’re not.’ Always look at each relationship you have as a learning curve. We learn things about ourselves or what we want from each relationship we have, trust that. Trust that the things that don’t work out for us are preparing us for something awesome round the corner. Sometimes we have to pick up the emotional pieces too many times, but remember that whether you’re struggling from a break up, single or in a settled relationship, we are all strong individuals who got this far in life from being ourselves and learning from all our little hiccups, mistakes and positives along the way. Take every negative relationship as a lesson, a lesson that is building you up for the strong person you are becoming. Day by day.