“I stare at my reflection in the mirror, why am I doing this to myself?” – Who You Are, Jessie J.

I spend a lot of time staring at myself in the mirror, questioning where I’m going or why I’m feeling how I do. One of the downsides of going through social anxiety is that it literally crippled my mind. To the point that I’m staring at myself for long periods of time – to everyone around me I’m just staring or day dreaming, but in my head, a war zone is kicking off. There’s endless debates and scenarios going on that I have absolutely no control over. Nor do I have any motivation to make it stop.

As my previous posts have mentioned, I am a long term sufferer of ADHD & Anxiety. Social Anxiety plays a huge factor in this. Particularly when my ADHD allows me to make an absolute fool of myself and has done for years, it has a long term affect on my brain. I’ve fallen out with a lot of people over the years through crazy behaviour, for various reasons. I’ve also had many scenarios where people start to avoid being near me when we’re in the same place because they find me irritating, annoying, impulsive, “too much”. It is very difficult knowing this about yourself. And it is also hard to move on from that mindset when so many people around you make you believe that this is the truth.

I wish I couldn’t give a shit.

But I do, I really do give a shit. My personality may express otherwise to people who have met me, because I act so hyper and carefree but when I get home, I am then overthinking every thing I did and how everyone around me must think I’m an absolute loon.

I have started trying to do different things in order to try and clear up the social anxiety aspects. Over the last year, I’ve gone to a couple of gigs and theatre trips on my own. Which is a big achievement for me. But then I go back to square one again because I start freaking out over other stuff.

When it comes to going to a show alone, I’m fine. I can go and sit and watch Wicked at Apollo at the end of the row on my own and not care because there isn’t really interaction when you’re seated watching a show. I can go to the cinema alone for that same reason. But one thing I’ve always loved, is gigs and music festivals etc – those things completely freak me out. I can’t put myself in a position where I stand in crowds or check out bands in my area without the incoming fear of humiliation.

There are loads of bands in the London/Harrow/Watford area that I always see ads for but I am completely terrified of even trying to go to one. I even sometimes can’t even fathom asking a friend to go with me because I am so frightened to be around new people.

I don’t know what it is about my appearance, or personality, but people have always looked at me like I’m a strange individual. Or repulsive maybe I don’t know. Girls in particular are not normally big fans of me, for reasons unknown. Maybe because I don’t fit that mould and I’m not very good at all that ‘girly’ stuff. Guys either don’t see me at all or see me as some weirdo not worth a second look. And so to have the idea of standing in a very public place, watching a good band, overthinking how everyone else is perceiving me actually makes me want to vomit.

It sounds selfish, because realistically, one thing I learnt from CBT was that a lot of the time, we are not even crossing someone’s mind, they aren’t even overthinking what we’re like, they don’t know you. But with social anxiety – you lose that logic. There is no logic. You just have this awful conception that every single person around you thinks you’re vile or annoying.

I am getting ready to go for a weekend away and my tummy is doing flips over every possibility of how I can make a fool of myself, what if I drink too much, what if I say something wrong? It’s all so stressful.

I am working on new ideas to try and focus on more ‘positives’, get myself out there a bit more without freaking myself out or doing what I’ve done in the past where I buy a ticket for something and then on the day hyperventilate and decide I am not going. I did consider going to like, singles parties or dinner date events that I’ve seen online, but then I’ve realised that’s going to be more dating focused and that’s not gonna help my dating hiatus.

So these are my targets for the next few months, to try and overcome social anxiety;

1. Try some relaxation techniques every morning and night to try and filter out some of the negative vibes
2. Explain my situation to a friend or two and see if they can attend some events with me
3. Start attending more events
4. Be myself. Regardless of whether this is going to make people hate me or not
5. Remember that if people do see you negatively or hate on you for being you, that you do not need them in your life these people are strangers pretty much, you lived this long without them, you can carry on without them and their negative opinion too.

We shall see over the next few months how this works out.