For as long as I can remember I’d always thought there was something wrong with me. That my brain was not quite normal. Of course, growing up in the 90’s, there wasn’t as much awareness for kids and teenagers as there is now. I just spent most of my school years being easily distracted, told off often, acting up, and just being a parents worst nightmare. I just figured that was who I was. I’d never known how to engage my brain before I spoke. It’s literally just something that can’t function inside me, my mouth speaks then my brain functions and say’s ‘you probably shouldn’t have said that’.

Diagnosis

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I started trying to look into the root of the problem. And that was more down to my boss at the time then my need to do so. I had gone from school, to college, to working in retail to an office job. Of course, office work requires you to be more still. This is something I’ve never been able to master, even now while I’m typing a blog post I have twitched my leg 5 times and looked around the room a little bit. But at work it was becoming a concern. Now I’d always known I was a ‘worry wart’ as people used to call me, so I had come to the conclusion that anxiety was one of my many problems. But more on that shortly. I got referred by my GP when I discussed with him my lack of concentration skills, or ability to think before acting or speaking etc. it was affecting my work and I needed an answer. Finally, the diagnosis came in. ADHD. I was so frustrated at this diagnosis, not because I had it. But because I couldn’t help but think how different my life could have been if we’d known I had that growing up, I could have found ways to monitor my behaviour, I may have done better in school because I would have had learning support (other students used to get that). So I also had a lot of resentment inside me over the fact that it was never noticed. I’m not sure who the resentment was actually towards, I just know it was there. The other downside was, I was in my 20s. A little too late to start trying to monitor and change your ways. I wasn’t allowed to have medication for it either, because of other medical condition meds that I was on.

The Anxiety diagnosis came in not long after this. I would say from around 15 I was starting to overthink every scenario in my life, have mini panic attacks over things and expect the worst scenarios, but like the ADHD, I just thought that was the way my brain was wired. It was only when it got too much for me and again , I seeked help, that I got a diagnosis. Then it was just finding ways of dealing with it.

The Balance.

Balancing both issues is actually pretty hard. I had to have CBT for anxiety but I found it so hard to concentrate on conversations (because it requires you to be still and attentive, two things I struggle to physically do). I had general counselling for other issues (see previous post) which was also meant to help with some of my anxiety issues and the bout of depression I went through at that time. These things worked as temporary fixes. I’m not sure if many people will agree with this, but I find CBT can sometimes be a bit of a band aid. It will solve issues for you at the time, but before you know it, six months down the line you’re back to square one – at least, that’s my personal experience.

It’s hard to balance, because both conditions bring out different and opposing sides to me. The ADHD will make me insanely hyperactive and things come flowing out of my mouth or I make an impulsive action, all seems great at my impulsive moment. Then the anxiety kicks in, because whatever I did in that ADHD-Controlled moment, I am now overthinking how everyone else took that action. Oh my God, I should not have said that! That guy is going to think I’m a right weirdo now!, Your best friend is going to hate you for saying/doing that. I’ll be honest, a lot of the time, I’m overthinking things that the person it happened to isn’t giving a second thought to. But as anyone who suffers with anxiety knows, that’s not the point. We can’t stop the thoughts once they are there. I struggle a lot with my actions, I’ve spent many, MANY nights laying on my bed crying about how stupid I’ve looked or how I haven’t slept properly in days because my brain is in overdrive because of not one but TWO conditions that overtake my brain. I wake up every morning, wondering which one of the A’s will be in control for the course of the morning, am I going to be hyper and silly and unable to focus, or am I going to be overthinking and panicking about every single possible outcome of the day? It’s in my view, a large part of why I’m single. I have a lot of issues when it comes to dating because of these problems. I’m very insecure for a start, which is never a good basis point for a relationship is it? So I spent a lot of my relationships over-texting, ‘coming on too strong’ as they call it, because I get so paranoid people are going to be thrown off or put off by me. But that is something I have to deal with as time goes on and I (somehow) get back on to the dating field. Or not, or I could just hide behind my laptop for the forseeable future until I pass away with 3 cats on my lap. Who knows?

For the time being, I have to try and focus a bit more and find ways to balance my conditions, but not let them break me. I’ve started taking up reading a lot of self-help books that help with anxiety, depression etc. I am still looking for one for ADHD. I am looking at new dietary foods and drinks I can have to try and calm down my brain (e numbers don’t really help ADHD). I’ve also started taking up small yoga segments, I try and do 10 minute morning yoga exercises, I’m trying mindfulness, cardio, different things that can try and divert my brain in a healthy way. It’s a work in progress, but hopefully in later blog posts I will have new ideas and progresses to share with you.

But most importantly, I try my hardest to dissolve the resentment, and not hate my two A’s, because in all honesty, they’ve been with me as far as I can remember, and whether I like it or not, they are part of who I am. That’s something I have to embrace, and deal with.